five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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