I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
