twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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