The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
