u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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