Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
