I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I checked into jail on foursquare
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
