just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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