I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
