If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
