Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
