I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
