it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
