"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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