I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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