i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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