Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's never too late to be topless.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
