I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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