just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
3pm strippers are depressing
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
