My underwear smells like fireworks.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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