ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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