i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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