I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
