if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
