a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
