She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
