And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
