I'm pants shitting drunk right now
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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