How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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