Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
