just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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