Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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