Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
