Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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