i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
