I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
