So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
