sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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