My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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