i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
