I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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