just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
