This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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