All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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