Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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