i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
