My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
