ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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