one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
