you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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