I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
