I'm so fucking centered right now
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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