ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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