if only i could text you this smell
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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